i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
