We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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