he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
