my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I am available for nakedness
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
