Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
