Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
