Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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