her vagine was all disorganized.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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