dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
