you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
