those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
