I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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