whats a polygalesbian?
lesbian polygamists..duh.
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
