why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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