Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
