She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
