shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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