She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
