Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
