True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
she told me i tasted like america
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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