just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
