You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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