if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
