I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
