RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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