I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
