Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
