i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Randomize
