Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
