Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
