I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
