dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
