Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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