census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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