There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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