guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
I just forgot I was standing up.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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