I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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