Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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