I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
