He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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