I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
