I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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