if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
