Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
