a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
