I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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