You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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