i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
