where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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