i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
