what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Randomize
