He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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