You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
