mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
