I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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