I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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