He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
