he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize